


The World Could Be Burning 'Til There's Nothing

by CapriciousKitten (SunflowerPineapple)



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Feels, Chubby Kink, Chubby bucky barnes, Come Swapping, Comeplay, Communication, Developing Relationship, Dirty Talk, Dom Steve Rogers, Dom/sub, Explicit Sexual Content, Feeding Kink, Frottage, Hand Feeding, Light Bondage, M/M, Miscommunication, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Safewords, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex in a Car, Snowballing, Soft Bucky Barnes, Sub Bucky Barnes, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-08 15:12:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15246057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunflowerPineapple/pseuds/CapriciousKitten
Summary: This is a story about feelings, coming to terms with oneself, and the importance of honesty.All wrapped up in a kinky package.





	1. June 28th

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This is the very first fanfiction I've written and I am super excited to share it with you.
> 
> First off, endless thanks to my beta Scout924 who has gone above and beyond and made this fic 100 times better.
> 
> Second, this story will be 7 chapters and the tags may be incomplete at this point as some things are still in flux, but I will update the tags as I go.
> 
> Thirdly, if you take a chance on reading this I really hope you like it! You can come talk to me on tumblr at capriciouskitten
> 
> Title comes from the song Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin

Bucky wasn’t sure if his fear of fireworks was normal or not, but he was willing to bet it wasn’t. It wasn’t like he had a reason to dislike them; he didn’t have any traumatic experience that caused the fear, but every holiday that involved fireworks caused a profound sense of unease bordering on panic that he just couldn’t shake.

At thirty years old, Bucky had strategies to deal with this phobia that he felt were totally working. On any occasion he expected to hear fireworks he would isolate himself from the world, hide in his studio apartment with blackout curtains and noise cancelling headphones, and distract himself with the internet for the evening. It may have been a strategy more appropriate for a child, but Bucky didn’t really care. He never said he was mature, after all. It was working for him and that was all that mattered.

Until now. Honestly, Bucky could have planned this whole situation out a lot better. The month before fourth of July probably hadn’t been the best time to get into a relationship since he had a phobia of fireworks looming over his head. He had been hoping to get further into the relationship before having to discuss more serious conversation topics like his phobia. The relationship was still young, and with one week left before the holiday, he knew that there was no way he was going to be able to hide this without things looking weird. Plus, Bucky had just found out that his new boyfriend’s birthday was actually on July 4th. Seriously, the timing was just awful.

The worst part of all was that Bucky really liked Steve. Conversation came easy, he didn’t feel like he had to edit himself too much, and they had fun together. Best of all, Steve was one of the most beautiful people he had ever met. He had soft blonde hair with a fringe almost falling into stunning blue eyes that reminded Bucky of the sky. Steve’s facial features were sharp and defined, down to collarbones that Bucky loved to kiss. He was about six inches shorter than Bucky’s six feet, and very slight of frame. They were a picture in contrast, Bucky thought. While Steve was small, he was deceptively strong and his body was lined with lean muscle. Bucky, on the other hand, was tall and broad shouldered. At first glance, people assumed he must spend hours at the gym, but in reality he was soft and relatively weak for his size. This was a product of years at a desk job that some may have considered dead end, but Bucky was just grateful that it paid the bills. 

Bucky had quickly learned over the past three weeks that Steve’s beauty went beyond the physical. He was kind and clever, helpful and hardworking. When someone talked to Steve, it was clear he was really listening. He communicated about expectations and didn’t make Bucky play guessing games about his expectations in the relationship. It was honestly probably the best relationship Bucky had ever had, not that the standards had been set very high.

So of course, Bucky finally met someone who might be worth giving it a go at something long term, and he was going to ruin it. As far as he could tell, he had two choices. The first choice was to confess his irrational phobia to Steve and risk the revelation of Bucky’s most closely held secrets. The second choice was even more complicated and risky, and meant avoiding Steve for a week and missing his birthday. He’d also need to do this without rousing suspicion so he could fulfill his usual tradition of avoiding people and hiding at home for the week up to and including the 4th.

The first choice might seem like it was the lesser of two evils if it weren’t for those intimate details. Even though Bucky really liked Steve and was hoping their relationship would turn into something long term, there were some definite issues in the bedroom department. Bucky was into things that he wasn’t sure Steve would be interested in, and it was getting more and more difficult to pretend that the sex they were having was satisfying enough. Physically and mechanically there was nothing wrong with their sex life, but Bucky wanted more and he was afraid to ask for it. However, if Bucky and Steve sat down and had a serious talk about Bucky’s phobias and mental health troubles, there was no guarantee that other serious topics wouldn’t get brought to the surface as well. Bucky felt that once they started discussing his anxiety it would be too easy for conversation to slide into other topics he didn’t feel quite ready to talk about.

Bucky had no idea what he was going to do. He needed help. Much as he was loathe to ask anyone for it, it looked like he might need to talk to Clint. After all, what are friends for?

———

“So you’re telling me that every fourth for the last who knows how many years that you’ve told me you had plans you were lying?” Clint said without malice.

Bucky ducked his head and broke eye contact with his friend. “I had plans! With myself. In my safe space.” Bucky felt duly admonished. He knew he had been less than honest about some things with Clint over the years but sometimes it was the easiest way for him to cope with life.

“Right.. dude, you know what you have to do. You can’t have a long term relationship with anyone if you insist on hiding things. You know this. Right?”

“I mean.. maybe? I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve had a relationship last long enough to even think about discussing anything other than superficial qualities. Now it feels like I’m at that point and I’m not ready to risk it ending. I really like him.”

Clint sighed audibly. “Look, I hate to be blunt but there are basically only two directions you can take this. You can either be honest and risk it ending for because of what you need to say, or you can try to hide things and play games and pretty much guarantee it’ll eventually end because of that.”

Bucky sat quietly for a moment with his thoughts. Clint had a way of simplifying things that made it unavoidably clear what his options were, but that didn’t mean he had to like those options. At the end of the day though, it was obvious that the right thing to do was to try being honest and open with the man he really wanted to keep in his life.

“Yeah,” Bucky sighed more than said. “I’ll talk to him.”

——

“Hey beautiful, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Steve greeted when Bucky called him after leaving Clint’s apartment. Clint and Bucky both rented studio apartments in the same building, and Bucky always appreciated how easy it was to go to Clint when he needed to not just emotionally but logistically as well.

“Hey babe, are you free tonight or do you have a shift? I wanted to get together if you have time.”

Steve sounded enthusiastic when he replied that he was free, and Bucky tried to take that as a good sign.

“Did you have anything in mind you wanted to do?” Steve asked.

Bucky hesitated for a moment as he tried to decide how much to discuss over the phone.

“Would you want to come over to my place? I have some stuff I wanna talk to you about.”

“Sure Buck. Is everything okay? You sound stressed.”

I’m always stressed Bucky wanted to say. It was on the tip of his tongue, but something kept him from saying it out loud. 

“Yeah I’m alright,” he replied instead. “It’ll just be easier to talk about what I want to discuss in person.”

“Alright no problem. I’m excited to see you sweetheart. I’ll be there in a couple hours?”

“See you then babe.”

After hanging up Bucky struggled to regain control of his pounding heart. He was starting to think maybe he should just come clean about everything he was hiding. Sure, Steve could end up leaving, but Bucky was a shitty liar to begin with and everything was bound to come to the surface eventually. If Bucky ended up alone again, well it wasn’t like he was unused to that. And then Bucky could hole up in his safe space and enjoy his solitude like he had been doing for the entire week leading up to the 4th for years. Enjoy his solitude. Apparently Bucky was such a shitty liar he couldn’t even lie to himself. He was tired of being alone.

_____

Bucky buzzed Steve up and waited anxiously to open the door. He felt more nervous for this meeting than he had for any first date he’d ever had. 

“Hey Buck, how ya doin’?”

“I’m good, how’re you babe?”

Steve tensed slightly and seemed almost... sad? “Bucky. Baby. Don’t put up a front with me. I asked how you’re doing because I actually want to know. You don’t have to tell me what you think I’m looking to hear.”

Bucky let out a low breath and sucked it back in through his teeth. He wasn’t used to many people really listening when he talked and although it felt kind of nice to have someone paying that much attention to him and his well being, it was also kind of scary. Bucky knew it was going to get more and more difficult to hide from Steve. “Honestly, I’m nervous as hell. I don’t even know where to start and I’m scared. I don’t know if I can do this.” I don’t know if I’m ready for you to really, truly know me, he added mentally.

“Sure you can, you can tell me anything. I can’t tell you how I’ll react for sure, but I can promise to do my best not to judge. Relationships are based on trust, sweetheart. Can you trust that I’ll do my best to understand whatever you have to tell me?”

Bucky thought on that for a moment. Steve had been nothing but sweet and understanding since they started dating, and he had given no indication that that might change. “I’ll try.”

“Here, let’s sit down. Can I hold you while we talk?”

“Okay.” Steve walked over to the couch and sat with his back against one arm with one leg against the back and one on the ground. He patted the space between his legs to signal for Bucky to join and Bucky settled with his head on Steve’s shoulder, his body extended along the rest of the couch. It might have looked weird for them to sit like this because Bucky was so much larger than Steve but to Bucky, it was perfect. Steve started to gently run a hand through Bucky’s hair.

“Why don’t you start by telling me what you’re afraid is going to happen?”

That was an easy question. Although in a general sense, it might be easier to answer what Bucky wasn’t afraid of. No, that wasn’t a helpful thought. Bucky needed to redirect this train. He could do this. 

“Okay,” he began. “I guess I’m afraid that as you get to know me better you’ll realize you don’t want to date me. I have issues and flaws I don’t want you to see because I’m afraid once you do, you’ll realize that I’m way too much work.”

Steve’s hand in Bucky’s hair stilled for a moment, and then he started to run his fingers up and down Bucky’s back instead. “Buck, I don’t want to tell you your feelings are invalid, but in this case I feel like I kinda have to.” Bucky steeled himself for some sort of rejection he was sure was coming. “Relationships are always work,” Steve continued. “And Bucky, everyone has issues and flaws. I don’t expect you to be perfect. No one is. That’s what makes us human. And honestly I think that’s kinda beautiful. If we were all perfect, we would all be the same and that would be pretty boring. I’m not operating under any delusion that there will never conflict in our relationship or that we will always be happy with each other. But I believe that if we both want to, we can work through those things and still be together. That’s what being in a relationship is to me.” The conviction in Steve’s voice increased steadily throughout his speech, and by the end of it his arms had stopped running up and down Bucky’s back and were now wrapped tightly around Bucky’s shoulders, the side of his face pressed into the top of Bucky’s soft brown hair.

Bucky thought that was actually pretty profound. It was definitely a new perspective on relationships he hadn’t encountered before. All his past partners had expected to meet a laundry list of requirements and when Bucky inevitably failed to meet them, the relationship had ended. Steve seemed pretty convinced that they could work through conflicts rather than just instantly ending things at the first sign of adversity. Steve’s conviction made Bucky feel more confident in his ability to be brave enough to tell the truth.

Bucky realized he had remained silent, and Steve added, “Come on honey. Talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

“I don’t really know where to start, but here goes. First of all, I don’t really like to talk about it or tell people, but I struggle with mental health and have been in and out of therapy for anxiety since I was in high school. I have a lot of good coping tools, and for the most part, it doesn’t cause problems in my daily life, but there are some situations or circumstances that I still really struggle with and that might make me difficult to be with at times.” Bucky realized he was rambling a bit, but this was hard for him to talk about.

“Everyone’s difficult to be with at times Buck.” Steve responded when Bucky finally finished. “I’m glad you felt comfortable sharing that with me, and I hope that if you do feel like you’re struggling with a situation you can talk to me about it. I’m not saying I think I can fix you or even that I think you need to be to be fixed, but I want to try to help you if I can.”

“That would be good. I really don’t want to hide things from you, but some things are hard for me to talk about.”

“Was there something else you wanted to discuss tonight? If there are things you aren’t ready to talk about, we don’t have to talk about it right now. As long as you are willing to be honest with me, we can just talk when you’re ready.”

There it was: the out Bucky hadn’t realized he had been hoping for. He didn’t have to expose himself completely... yet. It might be cowardly to put off telling Steve everything, but Bucky already felt like his luck had to be running out with how well Steve had reacted upon hearing about his struggles with anxiety. Maybe he could just share a little more, and buy himself a little time so he didn’t have to risk everything all at once.

Bucky tried to take comfort from the fact that he was still wrapped in Steve’s arms and drew in a deep breath. As quickly as he could, he blurted out, “Well the other thing I wanted to talk about was sex.” There. That was mostly the truth.

Steve stiffened a little and Bucky lifted his head off Steve’s shoulder so he could make eye contact. Steve looked slightly concerned, and Bucky felt an urge to reassure him even before Steve responded, “Oh? What about it? Is something wrong?”

“Not exactly? I just.. the mechanics of it are all there, and you’re not doing anything wrong. Sometimes I have a hard time letting go enough to fully enjoy myself. I’m always worrying about doing or saying the wrong thing and that can become the primary thing on my mind to such an extent that I’m no longer having fun. It’s not your fault, it’s just how I’ve always been.”

“I think I understand what you’re saying, but I wish you would tell me when you're feeling like that so I can try to adjust what we are doing to make it better for you. Is there anything you had in mind that might make things more enjoyable for you?”

“Um.. maybe you could take charge more? I mean you already kinda do but maybe if it was more explicit that you’re calling the shots it would help.”

Steve smiled. “Oh, sweetheart, I can definitely do that. When can we start?”

“Now?” Bucky spoke quickly before he lost his nerve, then buried his face back into the crook of Steve’s neck. He was ready to be done talking. The conversation had taken up most of his emotional energy, but he was already a bit primed for sex from Steve’s close proximity throughout the conversation

Bucky felt Steve’s smile widen against the top of his head and risked lifting his head back up to see the expression on his partner’s face. He was surprised to see a smirk he didn’t think he’d ever seen on Steve’s usually angelic face, full of dark promises that made Bucky’s blood heat and quickly rush to his groin.

“Let’s try this, baby. Why don’t you take your clothes off and lay face down on the bed? I want to see you.” Steve had always been good at giving directions. It was one of the reasons Bucky felt like maybe this would work. Bucky did as he had been asked. He stood, stripped his clothes off, and walked over to the bed, where he laid down on his stomach and softly closed his eyes. He felt the mattress dip as Steve’s lean body joined him on the mattress. “That’s so good, gorgeous. You’re so good for me. I could look at you all day.” Bucky tried and failed to suppress a snort.

“What’s that about, sweetheart? Don’t you know how beautiful I think you are?” Steve questioned, and begin running a hand up and down Bucky’s naked back.

Bucky shook his head and then cleared his throat nervously. He felt so exposed like this, spread out with his too wide shoulders, love handles, and chubby back on display for Steve. “You’re the beautiful one. I pale in comparison to you.”

“Hush now.” Steve intoned. “One person's beauty doesn’t negate or detract from another’s. I like to think we complement each other’s beauty.”

“Have you seen this?” Bucky asked with a tone of incredulity, gripping onto one of his love handles with the hand closer to Steve. 

Steve covered Bucky’s hand with one of his own and brought his lips next to Bucky’s ear. “This is one of my favorite parts about you. God, you really have no idea how I see you. No wonder you’re so anxious about all this. You are like a walking wet dream to me. Soft all over and covered in cushion for me to press my body up against.” At that, Steve pressed his body against the softness he was claiming to desire and wrapped his hand around Bucky’s thick waist, grabbing his other love handle. Bucky felt ashamed of his body, but that shame was combining with lust caused by Steve’s words and burning through him. “So many places for me to grip onto while I make you lose your mind with pleasure. I could not have dreamt a more perfect partner for me to take to bed. Are you going to trust me? Will you let me take care of you and show you how beautiful you are to me?”

Any objection Bucky might have voice died in his throat. He swallowed and whispered “yes”, and almost immediately Steve’s mouth was on his neck, sucking and biting. The hand that had been covering his moved to grip one of his ass cheeks and spread him open. Bucky felt one of Steve’s fingers start to gently toy with his opening, drawing soft circles. Steve was plastered along Bucky’s side and Bucky could feel Steve’s erection pressing into his thigh. Buck groaned and arched his back slightly, silently asking for more contact.

“Shh.” Steve gentled. “Just relax baby. I told you I’m going to take care of you. I just need you to trust me.”

Bucky felt the tension in his body slowly bleed away as he gave up control to Steve and Steve continued to circle his hole. He must have lost track of time for a moment, because now there was a lube slicked finger working its way into Bucky’s entrance and Bucky let out a soft groan. Steve’s erection against Bucky’s thigh was also slicked up now and pressing insistently into the soft fat of Bucky’s leg.

“Christ, you feel good Buck. Love the way you feel against me.” Steve moaned as he continued to rut against Bucky. 

Bucky felt like he was floating a little bit, and he was so hard he thought there must not be much blood left over for the rest of his body to function. Another finger was being worked into his ass and then both fingers were crooked just so. Technically speaking it was all so much more tame than other things they had done together, but for Bucky at least it was another level entirely. Sex felt completely different with Steve formally taking the reins. Bucky didn’t have to think about what to do or how he looked. Steve was in charge and Steve was taking care of him.

“Bucky, baby, you are so good. Taking my fingers like that--- god, you are beautiful. Your ass is unbelievable. I can’t wait to watch you come. Are you going to come for me baby? I wanna hear it so bad. Fuck, you feel good. I’m going to come all over your leg, baby. Mark you up as mine. You’re so beautiful. Need to hear you come. Please gorgeous, give it to me.” 

With that, Steve’s fingers against Bucky’s prostate, Steve’s words in his ear, and the mattress against his aching dick, Bucky’s vision went white for a moment as he came all over the sheets. It was sticky and wet. Bucky was making a noise somewhere between a moan and a whine but Bucky didn’t care because Steve was in charge. Now, Steve was rutting against his leg desperately chasing his own release, murmuring about how good and beautiful he thought Bucky was. He came with a groan that he muffled by softly mouthing at Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky realized that he had been able to let go so completely that he didn’t know when Steve had taken off his clothes.

“You know, I don’t remember you taking off your clothes.”

Steve just laughed.


	2. June 29th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two, I really like it so I hope you do too!
> 
> Thank you to Scout924 who worked really hard on beta-ing this and seriously made it so much better!
> 
> Please make sure to take note of the updated tags.
> 
> If you want to come talk to me, I'm capriciouskitten on Tumblr! Thank you to everyone who has left kudos or comments!

The following morning, Bucky woke up to a warm body pressed against his back and a strong arm partially wrapped around his soft stomach. He knew if he were thinner Steve’s arm would be able to wrap around him all the way and wondered if that bothered Steve. It wasn’t their first time waking up in bed together, but it had happened seldom enough that it took a moment for Bucky to get his bearings. When he did, memories from the night before flooded his mind.

 

Bucky felt conflicted. On one hand, he had gotten some important things off his chest and Steve hadn’t seemed angry or even disappointed in him. It didn’t hurt that the sex afterwards had been the best Bucky had ever had with Steve. Even though it didn’t tick all his boxes, it had been much easier for Bucky to let go and really enjoy himself when Steve had taken control.

 

On the other hand, in the light of day, Bucky was truly disappointed in himself because he really had intended to come completely clean with Steve the night before. Although he felt ashamed of some of the things he had withheld from Steve, he felt even more remorseful that he had made excuses to tell only part of the truth. 

 

The fact of the matter was that Steve had basically given him permission to not tell him everything that was on his mind right away and Bucky had seized that opportunity as quickly as he could. He realized in the light of day he might have made a mistake, because now he had to muster up the nerve to reveal the rest of the truth all over again instead of using the courage he’d had yesterday. Bucky was starting to think he might be a coward.

 

Worst of all, Steve hadn’t given him any reason to continue hiding things from him. He had responded to Bucky’s admissions regarding his mental health and double-digit years in therapy exactly the way Bucky would have hoped.  Steve was essentially treating it as a non-issue, unless Bucky needed him to help in some way, and was even offering to be supportive if Bucky found himself in a situation that made his anxiety worse. He had been nothing but accepting and responsive to the request that he take more control in bed and taken to it so naturally that it made him wonder how much experience Steve had with that sort of thing. The only way Bucky was going to find out more about Steve’s dominant side was if he put more of his desires out there, and he realized that he’d need to be brave in order to do that.

 

The problem now was there was still a lot to tell Steve, and Bucky didn’t want to essentially word vomit all the rest of his issues, hopes, dreams, and desires on the man.  It would probably be easier on both of them to take the conversation slowly. Of course, Bucky had also neglected to mention the very thing that had prompted him to have a serious conversation in the first place--his childish aversion to fireworks and subsequently this week of the year in general. Bucky was torn about what his next revelation should be; his fear of fireworks, which was on a rational level the most important, or trying to suss out if Steve would be interested in further venturing down the rabbit hole that was Bucky’s sexual preferences. 

 

His libido was making a very strong argument for the latter, but his stomach was making the strongest argument of them all, which was to scrounge up some breakfast. His rational mind and libido would have to duke it out later.

 

Steve made a snuffling noise and stirred in his sleep, and Bucky used the opportunity to sneak out from under his arm.  Throwing on a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt, he walked over to his kitchenette and started rummaging around for breakfast options.  He pulled out a loaf of bread and some raspberry jelly, then put on a pot of coffee and tossed four pieces of bread into his toaster. Once the coffee was finished brewing, he filled two mugs with the hot drink and set them on his small table. The toast popped up, and he slotted four more pieces of bread into the toaster as he slathered jelly onto the toast.  The smell of the coffee must have woken Steve, because he came sleepily shuffling towards Bucky with a soft smile on his face.

 

“Good morning, beautiful,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Bucky’s mouth. 

 

“Good morning. I got started on breakfast.  Are you hungry?” Bucky gestured toward the finished toast as he started to add jelly to the remaining slices.  

 

“A little,” Steve responded.  Steve was still naked from the night before, and while Bucky was definitely enjoying the view he was glad he had put on clothes so he didn’t have to compare his own soft body to Steve’s lean and strong one.  Bucky turned back toward Steve briefly and noted a look in Steve’s eyes he wasn’t really sure what to do with. His first guess was Steve’s expression bordered on filthy, but Bucky had no idea what could be causing him to look like that.  Bucky couldn’t understand why the view of him in old baggy clothes would influence Steve in any way.

 

Even though Bucky wasn’t sure what was on Steve’s mind, his libido was definitely on board with the look on Steve’s face, but his stomach was still demanding attention.  

 

Steve’s face morphed into a put-upon pout, and he jokingly whined, “Why did you put on clothes?” Then more seriously he added, “You should take them off.  I wanna see you.” Bucky recognized an order when he heard it, even if it wasn’t exactly phrased as one. He rushed to finish preparing the toast and then hurriedly took off his clothes.

 

Steve took a seat at the table with his body facing Bucky, picked up his mug, and took a sip.  “So, I have an idea. Do you wanna try something with me?”

 

Bucky had piled the toast on a plate, and he carried it to the table. He had no idea where this was going. “I trust you,” he dragged the words out, sitting down across from Steve. “I’ll try whatever you want,” he continued, trying to imbue his words with confidence.

 

“Before we go any further, do you have a safeword? I should have asked last night.”

 

Well that was promising, Bucky thought. He quietly responded “Marzipan.”  

 

Steve’s lips quirked slightly, like he was in on a secret Bucky didn’t know.  “Okay, good. Can you promise me you’ll use it if I ever make you uncomfortable?  Even if it seems like something that’s not a big deal, if you ever feel uncomfortable, I want you to let me know.”

 

“I can do that. I promise.” Bucky stated quietly, but with conviction.  “Actually,” he started, “Um, can I try something first?” Christ, Bucky was so nervous.  However, if he was a little brave now, he would feel better about himself later.

 

“Anything, sweetheart.”

 

Hesitantly, Bucky stood, took a piece of toast, and dropped to his knees between Steve’s feet, resting his head in Steve’s lap and glancing meekly up at him for approval.

 

“Fuck, sweetheart, you are perfect, aren’t you? So incredibly good for me. But I’ll bet you can be even better.  Can I have that toast?” Steve’s face looked like his birthday had come five days early and Bucky was the present he’d been desperately hoping for.

 

Bucky silently handed it over, unsure of what would happen next.  The praise from Steve was warming his blood, to the point he almost felt hot.  Steve kept saying that Bucky was perfect and good, but it was hard for Bucky to believe it sometimes.  However, when Bucky was at Steve’s feet like this, and Steve was looking at him like that, it became easier to think it was true.  Bucky might not actually be perfect and good, but he could be good for Steve. He could do what Steve asked and let Steve take the reins.

 

He was genuinely shocked for a moment when Steve gently pressed the bread to his lips, but then obediently parted them, letting Steve feed him.  Steve silently coaxed him through the slice, with his free hand carding through Bucky’s hair. As Bucky continued to eat, a sense of relaxation slowly filled him that he hadn’t experienced before.  As Bucky worked his way through a second, and then a third piece of toast, Steve began a steady litany of praises that enveloped Bucky’s mind like a warm blanket, making him less and less aware of his surroundings.

 

“Oh, you are so good, letting me take care of you like this.” 

 

“Seeing you on your knees like this, Buck, I can’t think of anything more perfect.” 

 

“I love feeding you darling, you have no idea.”  

 

Bucky felt a bit floaty.  Before he knew it, he had eaten two more slices of toast for a total of five, and he was feeling pretty full.  When Steve held a sixth to his lips, Bucky lifted his head and shook it minutely. 

 

“Are you sure, honey?  I think you could eat one more.  You are doing so well. If you really want to stop, you can give me your safeword and we will stop, no problem.  But right now, I’m taking care of you, and I’d like you to eat this last piece for me.” Bucky nodded slightly, laid his head back on Steve’s knee, and started on the sixth piece. 

 

After Bucky finished it, he came back to himself just enough to notice his arousal.  To him, it seemed secondary to the soft, warm feeling enveloping him down to his bones. Steve continued to gently stroke his hair and pressed the thumb of his other hand to Bucky’s lips.  It felt like instinct, the way Bucky obediently opened up to suck Steve’s thumb into his mouth. It felt so good and so safe, Bucky wanted to stay there for the rest of the day, but he knew he’d have to get ready for work soon.  The thought of the outside world had him starting to come out of the safe headspace he had found himself in, but before he came all the way up, Steve began speaking to him again.

 

“I have one more thing I want to try before you get up.  First, I’m gonna take my thumb back,” Bucky whined slightly at that, but continued to listen. “None of that, I’ll take care of you sweetheart,” Steve gently admonished.  “I’d love to watch you suck me off baby.” Bucky instantly perked up and Steve continued, “But we’re gonna do it a little differently than we’ve done it before. Start just like normal, though, sweetheart. Do you trust me?” He pulled his thumb out of Bucky’s mouth as he finished speaking.  

 

“Yes,” Bucky whispered, sitting up on his knees to get to Steve’s cock.  

 

Steve was already hard and Bucky started by giving kitten licks to the tip, letting his eyes flutter shut. Steve huffed out a pleased breath and Bucky responded by wrapping his lips around the tip of Steve’s cock and sucking softly.  

 

“Yeah, Buck, that’s perfect.  God, that’s so good. Take more for me baby, I know you can.”  Bucky slowly sucked more into his mouth, running his tongue up and down.  He was dimly aware of his own erection and knew it wouldn’t take much to bring himself off. “Bucky, honey, I’m already so close. Watching you let me feed you was so fucking sexy.  I swear, I’m going to come so soon, sweetheart. I’m gonna come right in your mouth, but I want you to wait to swallow, okay?” 

 

Bucky hummed an affirmative noise and tried to nod his head around the cock in his mouth.  He was a little confused as to where this was going, but Steve sounded wrecked, his low voice rough and gravelly.  His gaze was sharply focused on Bucky, and it felt like the world had narrowed to include nothing but the two of them.  All Bucky could think about was getting to feel Steve pulse in his mouth, and he didn’t have to wait long. 

 

Steve had been petting his hair throughout the blow job and he gripped it tightly as he groaned and spilled into Bucky’s mouth.  Bucky managed to catch most of it, but just a little dripped out of his mouth and ran down his chin. Steve wiped it off with one hand and gripped Bucky’s shoulder with the other, pulling him closer. 

“C’mere,” he murmured, and he wrapped his come slicked hand around Bucky’s cock and started pumping. He pulled Bucky in for a filthy kiss and proceeded to lick his own come out of Bucky’s mouth.  Bucky gasped in shock, and then moaned loudly as he realized what was happening. It was so fucking filthy, Bucky knew he was only seconds from coming. Steve pushed the load back into Bucky’s mouth and pulled away, whispering, “Swallow for me baby,” against Bucky’s lips. Bucky shot all over Steve’s hand, and when he was done, Steve lifted his hand to Bucky’s lips.  Bucky complied with the unspoken direction and cleaned up his own mess, feeling warm and sated and thoroughly debauched.

 

“Fuck.” Bucky whispered.

 

“Not quite,” Steve replied with a smirk.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Steve.  “You are filthy. That was incredible.  What just happened?”

 

Steve looked incredibly smug. “You told me you wanted me in charge.”

 

“Best decision I ever made.” Bucky spared a glance for the wall clock.  His face had been a picture of contentment, but at realizing the time a hint of panic creeped in. “Oh shit. I have to be at work in half an hour.”

 

Steve snuck in a kiss before playfully swatting Bucky on the ass. “Well, I guess we better shower. Hop to it!”

 

____

 

The work day dragged on, as Fridays usually do, and Bucky kept playing memories of the morning and the night before over in his head. As they had been walking out the door, Steve had reminded him that he and Clint had plans to go to Steve’s for a random get together that evening.  Steve shared an apartment with two of his friends, Sam and Natasha, and Bucky supposed they were his friends too. He met all three of them through Clint, and he couldn’t decide if he thought Clint was dating Sam, Natasha, both of them, or neither of them. His vote on the situation changed on a day to day basis. 

 

He had accompanied Clint to a few parties and bar meet ups with Sam, Natasha, and Steve and had met Steve on one such occasion. They had danced around their mutual attraction for a few months, but in the end, Natasha had encouraged Steve to pull his head out of his ass and ask Bucky out. (Or so Natasha told the story---Steve insisted that he just couldn’t bear to go another day without knowing what Bucky’s lips felt like against his. This remark always came along with a mischievous smirk. Who knew, all Bucky cared about was that they were together now and Steve was amazing and fuck the sex last night and this morning was so fucking hot... Dammit, he needed to get back to work.)

 

The day had started off well enough.  It had been a boring, if typical, Friday.  Shortly after lunch, however, things started to go downhill.  Several of his coworkers had decided to leave early for the day to get a head start on the weekend, and Bucky was having to pick up the slack.  As his stress levels started to rise, he decided he’d made a mistake when he agreed to go to the party. Friday night on the weekend before the fourth was going to be a shit show of explosions from people setting off fireworks throughout the surrounding neighborhoods.  Bucky thought it would be best for him to stay home and hide, even though he hadn’t had a chance to explain things to Steve yet. He was hoping he could get away with blowing off one night without appearing too suspicious, and maybe he could tell Steve what was going on tomorrow.  Luckily, he had already told Clint he’d meet him at the party instead of carpooling, so he just shot off a quick text to Steve telling him he couldn’t make it and tried to put the issue out of his mind. He’d have a good night at home alone, and he knew no one would miss him too much.

 

____

 

Bucky was having a fair night so far.  It wasn’t great, but he felt safe and relatively content.  He did miss Steve, and felt a little bad about cancelling, but he couldn’t let himself think about that too much.   He was tempted to look at his phone and see if Steve had texted him, but he didn’t want to risk the disappointment he’d feel if he had no notifications.  Although he suspected no one missed him, he didn’t want confirmation. 

 

The best part of being alone was that he didn’t have to conform to anyone’s expectations.  If he wanted to sit on the couch with his damp hair hanging limply around his face and no shirt covering his rounded belly, there was no one to stop him.  There was also no one to judge him for watching old kid’s movies on his laptop while there was a perfectly good flat screen TV just a few feet away. He preferred it this way, with the computer screen close to his face so his gaze was less likely to wander and his noise cancelling headphones could drown out what he knew were loud explosions going on outside.  He almost thought he could hear some of them, but that must have been his imagination because the headphones were expensive and never let any sound from outside his apartment in. 

 

Actually, now that he thought about it, the noise was getting louder, which was incredibly unusual.  These were really good headphones. He’d made sure to buy the best so he could shut out the world completely on nights like this.  A sense of panic and unease filled Bucky, and he summoned as much bravery as he could and slowly eased the headphones off so he could figure out what was going on.

 

As soon as they were off, it became clear that someone was banging on his door.  Bucky moved his laptop to the couch and moved to the door, hesitantly looking through the peephole.  When he saw Clint, he quickly unlocked and opened the door.

 

“Clint, I gave you a key for a reason! What the hell--” Bucky started, but it became clear that Clint was not going to be talked over, and he was already mid rant.  As Bucky looked around, he noticed that Steve was standing a little bit behind Clint with a concerned look on his face.

 

Clint was still yelling, but Bucky wasn’t fully listening as he recovered from the shock of his best friend and boyfriend practically knocking down his door. He moved to the side and Clint and Steve came into the apartment, Clint never ceasing his tirade.  

 

“--I can’t find my key to your place right now, okay, but what the fuck, dude,” Clint was saying. “We’ve been trying to get ahold of you and we were all super worried!  Why don’t you look at your phone more often? Seriously, it is not normal! Is this because of the fi-”

 

“Just stop!” Steve had gotten right up in Clint’s face, and would have looked hopelessly outmatched against the larger man if it weren’t for a look of fury on his face that made him look twice as big.  “Stop yelling at him! He’s obviously fine, and that’s why you convinced me to come over here right? To make sure he was fine? Not to yell at him and make him feel bad! You’re just making things worse. Quit it!”

 

Clint looked suitably abashed and backed down.  Now that the yelling had stopped, Bucky realized that maybe he should have spoken up for himself at some point, but he hadn’t thought to do it.  He thought perhaps he should feel bad that his much smaller boyfriend had to be the one to shut Clint down, but in reality, he was just glad it had ended.  This whole thing was a very abrupt turn of events compared to the relatively relaxing evening he’d been having, and it left him feeling disoriented and slightly panicked. 

 

“Bucky,” Steve turned to him, speaking much more kindly than he had to Clint. “We all care about you and we wanted to make sure you were okay.  Clint--” he looked over at the aforementioned man sternly, “--is overreacting because he was worried about you. I was too, we all were.” Bucky had no idea who could have possibly been worried about him besides Clint and Steve.  “I’m really glad you’re alright. I know you texted me to say you weren’t coming, but you never responded to any of our texts after that and we were concerned.”

 

Steve’s voice had an automatic calming effect on Bucky most of the time, and that probably would have been the case this time as well if not for a huge volley of fireworks suddenly going off.  Bucky’s reaction was immediate and bordering on violent. Every muscle in his body went tense and his breathing became heavy as he wrapped his arms around himself and squeezed his eyes shut tight.  He whimpered softly and drew into himself, trying to make himself as small as possible. He’d had a plan for the evening and everything was going unimaginably wrong. He didn’t understand why this had to be happening to him.

 

“Hush, baby.” Steve’s gentle voice broke through Bucky’s rapidly spiraling thoughts and he looked up at him hesitantly.  Steve came up to Bucky like he was approaching a frightened wild animal and tightly wrapped his arms around Bucky. Steve edged him toward the couch, and they sat down a few inches apart from each other. Clint and Steve made eye contact and seemed to have an unspoken exchange, then Clint ducked out of the apartment with a tip of an imaginary hat.  Bucky stole a look at Steve’s face to check if he was angry, and saw nothing but concern and perhaps confusion. Bucky leaned forward to rest his head on Steve’s chest and closed his eyes. After the door clicked shut, Steve continued, “What’s wrong sweetheart? Can you talk to me?”

 

Bucky shook his head hesitantly and murmured “I don’t know.” His energy had been sapped by the firework induced panic, and he tried to focus on the steady beat of Steve’s heart instead of the distant booming.  Steve wrapped his arms tightly around Bucky and squeezed gently as he spoke.

 

“I’m sorry you’re not feeling too great, beautiful.  I’m sure that can’t be fun. We didn’t mean to surprise you, but you and I left things a little abruptly this morning and what we did was pretty intense, so I was really worried about you.  Check your phone, Clint and I both tried to reach out, but you weren’t responding and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. It’s just the five of us in our little group you know, and when you’re missing it’s noticed.  Sam and Natasha were worried too.”

 

Bucky felt guilty that he had caused his friends so much concern, and surprised that even Sam and Natasha were worried, but he hadn’t thought it would be a big deal.  Maybe he should have texted Clint in addition to Steve, he thought. Sometimes he forgot how much Clint actually cared about him. It was easy to take their friendship for granted when Clint was always there for Bucky to lean on.  

 

“M’sorry.  S’not your fault, I’m just... I don’t know, I don’t feel like I can talk about this right now. I’m sorry.” Bucky muttered into Steve’s chest, and he wasn’t sure how much of his apology Steve was actually able to hear.

 

“It’s gonna be alright, baby.  We can talk tomorrow after my shift; I’ll come see you right after work if that’s alright?” Bucky nodded into Steve’s chest, and Steve ran his hands up and down Bucky’s back a couple times before gently gripping Bucky’s chin and lifting it so that Bucky’s gaze met his.  “Let’s get you to bed, okay sweetheart? I promise everything will seem brighter in the morning.”

 

As Bucky laid in bed after Steve left with his headphones back on, listening to music that reminded him of a simpler time. He wished with everything he had that he could find a way to not screw this relationship up.  A part of him was convinced that that ship had already sailed.


	3. June 30th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wasn't expecting to post this today, but things fell together and here we are!
> 
> Thanks again to Scout924 for the beta and for being the world's best cheerleader!
> 
> Also, I'd be thrilled if you wanted to come talk to me on tumblr, I'm capriciouskitten! 
> 
> I hope you like the chapter, let me know if you do!

Saturdays were usually Bucky’s favorite day of the week. He didn’t have to work, and he didn’t have to worry about work the following day either. This Saturday, however, seemed pretty shitty so far. Ever since Bucky had woken that morning, there was one thing on his mind. The time Steve got off work was creeping closer, and Bucky really didn’t feel prepared for the conversation he knew was coming. He was trying to see things from Steve’s perspective, and the more he tried the more he became convinced there was no way the relationship would outlast this talk.

Bucky was trying his level best to distract himself. He knew sitting in his apartment in the dark was probably the least helpful thing he could do for his mental state while he waited. He tried watching something funny on TV, looking at cute animals on the internet, stretching and doing some half hearted sit-ups, and even tried baking some cookies. (Bad idea. The cookie dough didn’t even make it into the oven before it found its way into Bucky’s stomach). No matter what he tried, the upcoming conversation with Steve remained at the forefront of his thoughts, and the morning dragged on.

Occasionally, his mind would turn to yesterday morning, when Steve fed him until he was so full he could almost burst, and then guided him through the filthiest blow job Bucky had ever given. The first time the memory crossed his mind, Bucky hoped he’d be able to use it to get himself off, and hopefully quiet his anxiety a bit. Unfortunately, that anxiety tinged even these thoughts now, making it impossible for Bucky to maintain an erection. When his mind turned to sex with Steve, it inevitably turned to the worry that he would never experience it again, and would never get the opportunity again to come clean about his secret desires. 

So the morning dragged on, Bucky desperately trying to keep his thoughts from completely spiraling out of control. Finally, someone knocked softly at the door, and given the time Bucky assumed it must be Steve. As he moved to the door, Bucky briefly spared a thought to the cookies he had tried to make earlier. If he’d had more self-control, he might have a plate of warm cookies to offer Steve. Instead, he had nothing. Wasn’t that the truth? He had nothing to offer Steve. This was going to be the end.

Bucky opened the door, and just the sight of Steve was like a breath of fresh air. Oh, how he hoped he’d get to keep Steve in his life, at the very least as a friend, if their relationship was going to be over. Steve’s face lit up in a bright smile, and Bucky felt his face stretching into a tentative smile of his own. “Come in.”

Steve walked through the door directly into Bucky’s chest and wrapped his arms around him. Bucky hesitated briefly before hugging Steve back. This hug didn’t exactly feel like a goodbye. Maybe Bucky was wrong about where things were going. His tendency to assume the worst had been proven wrong many times, so it wouldn’t be a complete surprise. Steve pulled back slightly and pressed a soft kiss to Bucky’s lips. That also didn’t feel like a goodbye. “Hi,” Steve murmured.

“Hi back,” Bucky grinned sheepishly. “How was work?”

“Oh, man. Don’t get me started. Short-staffed on a Saturday morning. Doesn’t management know about brunch?” Bucky let out a short laugh. Sometimes Steve’s energy was infectious. “I got off late and didn’t run home to shower and change. I wanted to see you as soon as possible.”

Bucky wanted to say that hadn’t been necessary, but he had slowly been losing his mind waiting for Steve, so instead he just said “Thank you,” trying to make his voice sound as genuine as possible.

Steve wove their hands together and started walking backwards toward the couch, dragging Bucky along with him. He sat as he had a couple nights prior, with his back against the arm of the sofa and one leg stretched along the back. He pulled Bucky down into his lap, and Bucky rested his head on Steve’s shoulder. “I’m starting to think of this as our ‘talking position’, you know,” Steve confessed. Bucky tensed slightly at the reminder that they had to talk, but then relaxed as he registered that Steve’s phrasing seemed to imply a continuing relationship together.

“I mean, we could always lay like this and not talk. I would be okay with that,” Bucky replied.

“Oh sweetheart, I’m sure you would,” Steve said, his tone slightly amused. “I know it’s hard to talk about things, but we really do need to. I promise, the more open we are with each other, the better our relationship will be. You don’t need to be afraid.” Bucky held back a snort. He knew he didn’t NEED to be afraid. He just was. But Steve obviously didn’t mean anything by the turn of phrase, so Bucky held his tongue on that topic.

“I--” Bucky started, but Steve broke in.

“Bucky, I need to tell you something.” Oh hell, Bucky thought. Maybe this was ending. “Last night, well, you know Clint and I were worried. After I left your apartment, I stopped by Clint’s to check in.” Bucky scrunched his face in confusion. He couldn’t even begin to guess where this was going. “So um, well, we spoke briefly and he told me about the whole fireworks thing?” Oh shit, Bucky thought. “Well, honestly, I think he thought I already knew? I guess I must have seemed pretty surprised, because as soon as he mentioned it he seemed to realize that he might have made a mistake. Anyway, he said he thought you were going to talk to me about it the day before, and I’m guessing that’s where you were going when you told me about your anxiety.” Bucky felt overwhelmed by a lot of different emotions. He glanced up at Steve to see if he was done talking.

They made eye contact, and Steve must have seen something on Bucky’s face that was cause for concern, because he added “What are you thinking, sweetheart?”

Bucky tried to take a deep breath, which ended up being more of a shaky inhalation. He steeled his nerves and tried to maintain eye contact as he spoke. “Steve, I had never told anyone aside from my therapist about that before Thursday. Clint was the first person I ever told, and I only told him because I need advice on if I should tell you. He convinced me I should, but obviously I chickened out.” Steve had been steadily holding Bucky’s gaze, and he started gently running his hand up and down Bucky’s back. The look he was fixing Bucky with was intense, but not angry. Bucky tried to draw courage from Steve’s touch. “I know it’s weird, and trust me to get involved with someone who was literally born on the fourth of July. I genuinely referred to that day as “The Worst Day of the Year” in my head until I found out it was your birthday a couple weeks ago.” Bucky was starting to run out of steam, and he dropped his head back down onto Steve’s chest as he forced out a few more words. “This is just how I am. I can cope with it, but the fear isn’t going to go away. I’m sorry.”

“Buck. Look at me.” The thread of gentle command woven throughout Steve’s request was unmistakable. Bucky slowly raised his head back up and looked at Steve. “I need you to understand something very important. I am not angry. This doesn’t make me want you less. I guess maybe it’s a little weird,” Bucky tried to suppress a flinch, expecting the criticism to finally come, “but the only reason it bothers me is because it seems to make you unhappy.” Bucky expected Steve to continue, to tell him how messed up he was, but Steve seemed to be done.

“That’s it?” Bucky questioned.

“Yeah? I mean, like I said, I’m not angry. I still want to be with you. I think you’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re funny. Everyone has issues. Buck, we’re 30 years old. Well, I almost am. I don’t expect any relationship to be without it’s challenges. You having a long held hatred for the day I was born is hardly the worst thing I’ve encountered in a relationship, and by no means is this a deal breaker.” Steve had reached his hand up to Bucky’s hair and was now running his fingers through it. He gripped the back of Bucky’s neck and pulled him in for a brief but hard kiss. When he pulled away, he moved so his lips were against Bucky’s ear “Also, the way you submit to me has got to be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” Bucky’s dick twitched, and he mentally scrambled to catch up with Steve. That was certainly the most explicitly the changing dynamic between them had been stated. 

“Wha-” Bucky started, but Steve was way ahead of him. 

“I have to say, when we got together, I wasn’t sure how compatible we’d be in bed. Sure, I thought you were hot as hell, but usually men who are bigger than me don’t like to get on their knees for me. But you... beautiful, when you get on your knees it’s like you belong there. The thing is, I have a feeling things between us can get even better, but I need you to tell me what you want. Can you do that?”  
Bucky’s mind was reeling. He had started to suspect Steve was a far more practiced dominant than he had let on, but he also thought they were going to continue to dance around whatever was between them sexually for a while. Steve, it seemed, was throwing down the metaphorical gauntlet. 

“Um... Now?” Bucky whimpered, trying to stall for time.

“Well, sweetheart,” Steve began, and he moved his mouth down to Bucky’s neck to place wet kisses there as he spoke. “It certainly doesn’t have to be now. But you seem interested,” at those words Steve ground up against Bucky’s increasingly noticeable erection, “and the only way I can really take care of you is if you tell me what you need.” He briefly sucked on Bucky’s neck, and when Bucky groaned in lieu of a reply, he continued, “There is very little I think you could ask for that I wouldn’t give you.”

Bucky was overwhelmed by emotion and arousal in equal measure. He wasn’t sure how many words he would be able to get out right now, but there was one word he could say that might be enough. He pulled back from Steve and caught his eye, then cautiously murmured, “S-sir...” hoping Steve’s reaction would be what he hoped for.

Steve stilled for a moment, seemingly surprised, and then gave Bucky the filthy grin he was quickly becoming well acquainted with. “Oh, yes, that’s right baby. You are a good boy, aren’t you? Do you want to be my good boy?”

“Uh-huh.” Steve reached a hand up to squeeze the back of Bucky’s neck warningly. “Yes, Sir,” Bucky corrected.

“Let’s go to bed.”

They walked to the bed and stopped at the foot of it. Steve pulled the back of Bucky’s pants to just under his ass, and then gently pushed him down on the bed. Bucky watched as Steve retrieved the lube from the bedside table and removed his own clothes. “I want you to stay just like that, baby boy.” Bucky adjusted slightly and realized his pants were trapping his legs together. “I’m gonna mess you up so good.” Steve climbed onto the bed and straddled Bucky’s legs, setting the lube near the pillows. He leaned down and started sucking on Bucky’s neck again. Bucky let out a low whine and started rutting his hips into the mattress.

“None of that, sweet boy. I’ll take care of you, don’t worry.” Steve nudged the collar of Bucky’s shirt to the side and started sucking hard at his shoulder. “I gotta mark you up if you’re gonna be mine. Okay?”

Bucky made an affirmative noise, and Steve stopped sucking. “Is that how my good boy talks to me? I need you to use your words, sweetheart.” 

“Yes, Sir,” Bucky replied, and even saying the words made him grow harder.

“Can I fuck you, my sweet boy?

Bucky groaned. “Yes, Sir,” He replied before Steve could correct him.

“Can I make you come in your pants? Make you all messed up and dirty?”

Bucky whined, and he would have been embarrassed by the sound if he weren’t so turned on. It was taking every shred of control he had not to resume rutting into the mattress. Responding to Steve’s question was the furthest thing from Bucky’s mind.

Steve nipped warningly at Bucky’s neck, and murmured “You have to talk to me, sweet boy. Tell me if that’s what you want.”

“Oh, fuck. Yes, Sir, please. I want you to fuck me, I want you to mess me up. Want you to mark me up and make me yours. Please, Sir.”

“Shit, Bucky, I love hearing you beg me like that. You are so sexy, baby boy. I’m going to open you up now, okay?”

“Yes, Sir, please.” Bucky knew he sounded needy, but he didn’t really care anymore.

He felt Steve reach for the lube, and the next thing he knew a slicked finger was breaching his hole. “That’s it baby, so good at letting me in. I can’t wait to get my dick inside you. Fuck, you are so beautiful.” Bucky fought not to deny it this time. He was starting to believe Steve actually did think he was beautiful. As Steve thrust his finger in and out of Bucky, slowly loosening his entrance, he used other hand to stroke over Bucky’s back and sides reverently, pushing his shirt all the way up to his shoulders. “I’m so lucky you let me see you like this. I love how soft and warm you are. That’s it baby boy, I’m going to make you feel so good,” He continued, as Bucky let out a low moan. 

“Sir, please. Another finger, please? Sir? “Bucky implored Steve, feeling increasingly desperate. The combination of Steve’s praise and his own submission was heady. 

“Okay, baby boy. Like I said, I’ll try to give you whatever you ask for. I’ll take care of you.” He briefly removed his finger to add more lube, and Bucky whined at the loss. 

“Hush, sweetheart. I’m taking care of you, see?” Steve reassured as he worked two finger into Bucky. He started thrusting in and out. “Do you like that, sweet boy? Does it feel good?

“Hngh,” He replied eloquently. He swallowed and tried again. “Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir. It’s so good.” At his response, Steve crooked his fingers to brush against Bucky’s prostate, and asked, “How about that?”

“Oh, Fuck.”

Steve bent down to whisper in Bucky’s ear. “Yeah, sweetheart? You think you’re ready? I am so ready to be inside you. You always feel so good. When you’re ready, all you have to do is ask me and I’ll give it to you.”

“Please, Sir, Fuck me. I’m ready, I swear. I need it.” 

“Okay, baby boy. I’ll give it to you.” Bucky heard Steve slick himself up and roll on a condom, and then felt the head of Steve’s cock start to breach him. He held his breath, and Steve stilled. “Breathe, sweet boy. You gotta breathe. I’ll take care of you. You know I will.” All Bucky need was that reminder, and he started to breathe again. As soon as he did, Steve resumed the slow press of his cock into Bucky. It felt amazing, and it was all Bucky could think about.

“Oh, baby, you feel so tight. So good, God you are so good.” Steve said as he bottomed out. “I'm going to fuck you now, okay?”

“Fuck, yes, please, Sir.” Steve didn’t hesitate, and started thrusting into Bucky in hard, quick strokes. It felt so good, but it wasn’t enough.

“Bucky, baby, I’m not gonna last long. Just the thought of you submitting like this to me is enough to get me close, let alone actually experiencing it. What do you need? I want to make you come first baby. Talk to me.”

Bucky knew exactly what he’d need to get where Steve wanted him, and if Steve wasn’t already balls deep in him he might not have the bravery to ask, but somehow being in the middle of the act gave him courage. “Oh, fuck, Sir. Please, wrap your hand around my neck, Sir. I need to feel you more. Want to feel you all around me.”

Steve stilled for just a moment, then complied, saying “That’s it, so good, telling me what you need.” He pressed his thumb against the mark he had left with his mouth earlier while resuming his thrusts. “You’re mine, you know that sweet boy? I’m going to make sure you never forget it.” He squeezed his hand around Bucky’s neck, not hard enough to cut off Bucky’s air, but just enough so it was undeniable he was there. Bucky felt completely surrounded by Steve, and all of a sudden his orgasm was approaching rapidly. 

“Oh, Fuck, Sir, I’m going to come.”

“Yes, that’s it, baby boy. Come for me, I want you to make a mess all over yourself and then I’m going to mess you up even more.”

Bucky gasped and started to come, and as he did Steve squeezed his neck harder. In the moment, his orgasm felt like it was going to last forever. Bucky could feel his blood pulsing throughout his body, and his world narrowed to nothing except the pleasure Steve was giving him and Steve keeping him safe. He could feel the mess soak into his pants, cooling against his skin, and he felt proud that he had given Steve what he asked for. Part way through Bucky’s orgasm, he felt Steve suddenly pull out of him with a groan. He must have torn the condom off because the next thing he knew Steve’s seed splashed on his back. He slumped into the bed as Steve collapsed on top of him, and he felt so messy and sticky but he didn’t really care. Then, Steve reached between them and swiped his fingers through some of the mess on Bucky’s back and brought it to Bucky’s lips. Bucky opened up and sucked the fingers into his mouth.

“Bucky, you are so perfect. Fuck, I couldn’t have imagined someone more perfect than you.” Steve praised as Bucky licked and sucked around his fingers. When Bucky was done, he pulled his hand away and started petting it through Bucky’s hair. “You’re a mess, sweetheart. Do you like it?”

“Mmm, yes Sir.” Bucky said, but he was starting to come down from his high, which made the sticky feelings a little less pleasant. Seemed like as good a time as any to start practicing asking for what he wanted. “Umm, shower then nap?” He asked.

Steve chuckled. “Sure thing, sweetheart.”

____

Later that day, in the early evening, Bucky started to get a little worried about how he was going to handle the fireworks that night. Steve was still over, and he didn’t want to have to ask him to leave, but he didn’t know how he was going to execute his normal “deal with the fireworks” plan while his boyfriend was there. Luckily, Steve was unfailingly considerate and brought it up before Bucky had to worry about it for too long.

“Do you want me to stay the night? We can do whatever you want. I mean, if you’d rather be alone, I understand. But I’d be happy to stay with you and do whatever you like.”

Bucky had the opening he needed to stay the night alone. The Saturday before the fourth was usually even worse than the Friday. It would be loud, and the fireworks would probably be going off until late at night. It was tempting to ask Steve to leave, but the look on his face was so hopeful. This man actually wanted to stay with him, even with the knowledge that Bucky may interact with him very little. Steve had been nothing but accepting of Bucky from the get go, and that hadn’t changed as Bucky had shared more of himself with him. Bucky didn’t know how he had gotten so lucky, but maybe he was ready to stop questioning it.

“Yeah, okay. You can stay.”


	4. July 1st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is probably my favorite chapter so far so I hope you like it. Thank you again to Scout924 who is not only an endlessly kind and patient beta, but also a wonderful friend who I am lucky to know. 
> 
> Also, I posted a one-shot on Monday called Use Your Hands and My Spare Time, and if you enjoy my particular brand of filth you should totally check it out. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, it means a lot to me.
> 
> Love, Quinn

Chapter 4

July 1st

 

Bucky was lying awake in bed, one arm wrapped around Steve’s waist, his nose pressed into Steve’s fine blond hair.  The sun was shining, and he felt well rested. Gradually, his mind started to turn over the events of the previous evening over. 

 

It... hadn’t been at all like Bucky had expected.  At first, Bucky had tried to be engaging and fun to be around for Steve.  He put a movie on for them to watch together, but he couldn’t stop himself from becoming increasingly tense as the fireworks outside continued to go off.  Steve had been stealing glances at him, appearing increasingly concerned. Bucky had really tried to hide his discomfort, but the look on Steve’s face indicated that he wasn’t succeeding.  After just fifteen minutes, he had been about to give up and tell Steve he might as well just go home. 

 

Before he could do that, however, Steve suggested that Bucky watch something on his laptop with his headphones, calmly picking both up from the coffee table and handing them to him.  At first Bucky was concerned Steve would be bored, but Steve took his tablet out of his bag and pulled up a book to read. They spent the rest of the evening like that, with Steve resting against Bucky’s shoulder, and it settled something deep in Bucky’s chest.

 

In other relationships, Bucky had always felt pressure to perform at all times.  He felt like if he wasn’t offering something to the other person, that person would leave.  This time, Bucky had absolutely nothing to offer and Steve had still wanted him. He’d pressed his face into Bucky’s shoulder as the evening wore on and kissed him softly there, drifting off to sleep.  Bucky had continued watching movies on his laptop, stealing possibly too many glances at Steve’s sleeping face, until he decided it was late enough for him to get to sleep without being disturbed by the fireworks.

 

At first glance, many people probably assumed Bucky could carry Steve to bed, but although Steve was small he was heavier than he looked: the result of packed, lean, muscle.  Steve was the strong one (and not just physically). Bucky knew he was a big man, and there was at times an expectation that he was strong because of it. He might have been at one time, but that time had long since passed.  On the rare occasions he spent looking in the mirror for longer than the few moments it took to approve his outfit and style his chin length hair, he registered a body he would describe, in a word, as ‘soft’. If asked to use more words than that, he’d describe his full, round stomach, thick arms that tended to stretch out the sleeves of T-shirts, stocky thighs with more fat than muscle, and a squishy, plump ass that he could feel jiggle when he walked.  He supposed he was nice to lay on though, if Steve’s snores were any indication. He was loath to wake him, but they would both regret it if they slept on the couch. Bucky reached over and gently shook Steve’s shoulder, waking him just enough for them to stumble together over to the bed. As soon as the covers were pulled up, Steve had pressed his face back into Bucky’s shoulder and dropped back into a deep sleep.

 

They must have moved around in the night, because now Bucky was wrapped around Steve.  Even though he didn’t always like what he saw in the mirror, he did like the way his soft body felt against Steve’s.  He knew it would feel much differently if he were fit and muscular. Steve also seemed to really like Bucky’s body, which Bucky didn’t really understand, but wasn’t going to question, for now at least.  

 

The emotional connection he felt with Steve was something he hadn’t felt before.  There was a sense of acceptance between them, of meeting each other right where they were.  Bucky thought maybe it was possible that Steve didn’t want to change him, which was refreshing.  Bucky knew from experience that trying to change himself for someone else never worked out. He felt like there was nothing they couldn’t solve between them if they communicated and were willing to compromise.  He also had a bad feeling he would struggle with communicating in the future, but he was pretty sure Steve would be patient and understanding as long as he was trying.

 

Interrupting his thoughts, Steve began to stir, and rolled over in Bucky’s arms.  Steve looked soft and bleary from sleep, and for a brief moment Bucky was internally stunned that someone so beautiful was waking up next to him.  How could he be with a man who was so attractive at all times, even when first waking up? Steve smiled softly at Bucky and murmured “Hey, baby,” then pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

 

Bucky squeezed Steve tightly to himself and briefly deepened the kiss, then pulled back slightly to reply, “Good morning.”

 

“You wanna have some fun? I know I’m not ready to get out of bed yet, but I’m definitely awake,” Steve pressed his erection pointedly into Bucky’s hip as he spoke.

 

Bucky was definitely interested, but wasn’t quite as ready as Steve felt.  He wasn’t sure how to go about telling Steve what he needed this time because he wasn’t sure himself.  He must have looked conflicted, because Steve pressed his lips below Bucky’s ear and told him, “If you want me to take over, all I need you to say is ‘Yes, Sir’.”

 

God, Steve never ceased to impress Bucky with his ability to know what Bucky needed, even when Bucky didn’t.  Just that small bit of direction had blood starting to flow to his cock, and he swallowed thickly. Steve started to pull away, and Bucky realized he still needed to respond verbally. Words. He could do this.  “Yes, Sir,” he murmured as he gazed into Steve’s eyes. Steve’s lips quirked up and his eyes crinkled as he praised, “Good boy, Sweetheart. So good when you let me be in charge.”

 

Bucky didn’t know what was going to happen next, but it didn’t really matter anymore.  He knew Steve wouldn’t do anything to hurt him, and he knew Steve would stop if asked. That was all Bucky cared about.  At the end of the day, he supposed, it came down to trust. Bucky trusted Steve to make it good for both of them, to take charge and lead them both into pleasure.  Steve trusted Bucky to speak up if something was wrong, and to do what he was told. Bucky knew he would use his safeword if he needed to, he’d used it before with other partners, but he also thought it was pretty unlikely Steve would take him to that point.  The last couple times they had been together, Steve had been perfectly confident and in command, completely and totally dominating Bucky without making him the least bit uncomfortable, and Bucky was reasonably sure this time would be the same.

 

Already, Steve was kissing wherever he could reach while still being held tightly in Bucky’s embrace.  “Gotta stop holding me so tight if you want me to do things to you, sweetheart,” Steve gently directed. Bucky immediately loosened his grip.  He hadn’t realized he was still holding on so tightly. Once Steve was able, he lightly pushed so that Bucky was laying on his back. He moved so he was on top of Bucky, with one leg in between his thighs.  He started kissing earnestly at Bucky’s neck while his hands gripped at his love handles. Bucky let his hands rest awkwardly at his sides, unsure what to do with them. “Touch me, baby,” Steve directed, his mouth moving against Bucky’s lips. Bucky raised his hands and gripped just above Steve’s hips.  Steve started to move his hips slowly, his erection pressed into Bucky’s stomach. Bucky’s dick was pressed into Steve’s thigh, and he moved his own hips upwards to get more friction. 

 

“Bucky, sweetheart, I wanna get off just like this, rubbing against you.  You’re so soft and warm, it feels so good. Will you let me use you like this baby?”

 

Bucky swallowed thickly.  “Uh-huh.” 

 

“What was that sweetheart?  Aren’t you going to be good for me?” Steve paused in his movements, looking down at Bucky intently.

 

Bucky wracked his brain for a minute, unable to think of what he was supposed to say.  His mind was a little wrapped up in the fact that Steve was using his belly to get off, and he wanted to feel ashamed of it but he couldn’t when Steve seemed completely consumed by lust.  Saying no hadn’t been an inkling of a thought in his mind, and he thought he had said yes. He was also not a hundred percent awake, and he was more focused on letting Steve be in control than he was on anything he was doing or saying.  Thinking about Steve being in control helped him remember.

 

Shaking his head in an attempt to get his brain back online, he finally responded.  “Oh, Yes, Sir! I’m sorry, Sir,” he decided to try a little more honesty on for size, “I got distracted by how sexy you are.”  The smile that spread over Steve’s face at that remark could rival the light of the sun. 

 

“Fuck, baby, you are just... you are the most perfect baby boy aren’t you?  You love this, don’t you?” Steve punctuated his words by thrusting against Bucky’s stomach again. “Tell me, sweetheart, I wanna hear you say it.”

 

“Yes, I love it, Sir.  You are so good at this.  I want it so much.”

 

“Oh, I know, sweetheart.  You’ll get everything you want, I promise.  I know how to take care of you, I know what you need.” He was rutting against Bucky continually now, and Bucky was lost.  “Can you come like this for me, baby boy? I bet you can, you are so good.” Bucky was pretty sure he could come from just about anything Steve did when he was like this, but he gave it a moment of thought anyway.  He gripped Steve’s hips a little tighter, and slurred, “More, please? Just a little more, please, Sir, I wanna be good for you.”

 

“More what, gorgeous?  I’ll give it to you, I will.”  Before Bucky could respond, his orgasm hit him out of nowhere, knocking his breath out of him like a punch to the gut.  The words he was going to say turned into a high keening noise, and his eyes widened in surprise. Everything had spiraled so high, so fast that Bucky had apparently lost track of exactly how close he was.  

Bucky could see the second that Steve realized what was happening.  He looked astonished for a moment, but the expression dissolved back into lust as quickly as it had appeared.   Steve buried his face in Bucky’s neck, rutting desperately against Bucky’s stomach, and as he spoke Bucky was pretty sure Steve’s brain to mouth filter was gone.  

 

“Oh, fucking shit, baby, I can’t... you are too hot, the way you just got off like that, the way you’re letting me use your body right now... You are a fucking dream come true.  God, I love your belly, love everything about your body, you are so big and you just let me use you like this... Shitting fucking hell, baby boy, I am going to come, I am never going to let this go, fuck, fuck, fuck...”  Steve went stiff and his litany of swearing mixed with praise choked off into a low groan as he came. When he was done, he murmured a final “Fuck,” into Bucky’s neck. 

 

Bucky felt soft and floaty again, as Steve slumped down on top of him.  Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s slight, muscled frame, and squeezed tightly.  “What just happened?” He asked curiously, confused at how intense Steve’s orgasm had been.  Surely he couldn’t been that turned on by Bucky’s body.

 

Steve’s head was resting on Bucky’s chest, and he tilted it up to catch Bucky’s eye.  “Sweetheart, you still have no idea how sexy I think you are.” Bucky wasn’t completely sure, but he thought Steve might be blushing.  “I just,” Steve continued, “I love the way you look, the way you are, it’s... it’s everything I want in a partner. I mean, there’s a lot about your body I like, but it really gets me going how you are so much bigger than me and still let me control and use you like that.  I also just think you are really beautiful I mean... I know I’ve said it before, but you gotta believe me. You gotta know how badly I want you,” Steve finished vehemently.

 

Bucky felt speechless, not that he was particularly loquacious most of the time anyway.   Steve was staring at him expectantly, seemingly waiting for a response. What kind of response could Bucky give? Bucky didn’t really think of himself as attractive, but obviously Steve did, and he wasn’t going to try to convince him otherwise.  He’d never been with anyone who wanted him like this. The best he’d been able to hope for from past partners was for them to make no comment about his shape and size, and he’d had a few tell him directly they thought he should lose weight. Now, he was with someone who was not only a great partner, but also apparently wanted him the way he was.  Not just wanted, if that display had been any indication, but Desired with a capital “D”. 

 

“Stevie, I dunno how I got so lucky, but I know I did.  I gotta be the luckiest man on the planet,” Bucky finally replied. 

 

“Oh, Buck, there’s no one luckier than me.  Of that. I’m sure.” His tone was kind, but brooked no argument.  He rolled off of Bucky and reached for the bedside table to grab a pack of wet wipes, then quickly cleaned them both off.  “Now, let’s cuddle.”

 

“Yeah, alright,” Bucky agreed with a soft smile.

 

______

  
  


Bucky and Steve must have dozed back off, because when he woke again, Steve was frantically running around getting dressed.  He appeared to have showered, because his hair looked damp and he kept running his hand through it, seeming somewhat frantic.  Bucky sat up in bed, and Steve glanced at him briefly. 

 

“I’m so sorry, baby, I gotta go, like 20 minutes ago.  I’m gonna be late to work. I don’t think either of us meant to fall back asleep!  It’ll be alright, I called my boss and explained and he’s cool as long as it doesn’t become a habit, but I really have to go.  I got the late shift tonight, but I wanna see you again soon. Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night after you get off work?”

 

Steve seemed to say all that in one breath, and Bucky paused to make sure he had processed all the words he’d heard.  Steve was tugging on his shirt, and as he pushed his arms through the sleeves he looked at Bucky expectantly. “Um-- yeah, of course.  I get off at six, pick me up at seven?”

 

“Sure thing, sweetheart.  I’d tell ya to look pretty, but you always do.”  Steve rushed over to the bed and gave Bucky a sweet kiss goodbye.  “I”ll see you tomorrow, beautiful. Have a good day!”

 

“You too, Stevie,” Bucky replied, and with that Steve was out the door.  Bucky was a bit taken aback at that whole exchange. It was rare to see Steve look anything other than composed and in control.   Everyone had moments like that, Bucky supposed. It was kind of comforting to see that Steve could be a bit disgruntled and rushed and was still concerned with making sure he had plans with Bucky.  Even though he left in a hurry, he made a point to give Bucky a kiss goodbye. Bucky felt warmed by that thought.

 

It was still early afternoon, and Bucky didn’t have anything on his agenda for the day.  His mind turned over the events of the past couple days. Things with Steve were going really well.  He had been afraid to open up about parts of his life with Steve, but he’d taken it much better than Bucky had hoped.  He hadn’t had anything to be afraid of, when it came down to it. And to think, he’d been half convinced he should keep his secrets to himself and try to avoid Steve all week.  If he’d done that, he’d probably just been even more stressed now, not to mention he would have missed out on some pretty phenomenal sex. As he thought about this, he remembered the conversation he’d had with Clint on Thursday.  Clint was the one who’d helped him see that he should be honest with Steve in the first place. Clint had shown up at his apartment on Friday because he was worried about him and wanted to make sure he was okay. Bucky thought maybe he was due for another conversation with his best friend.

 

He figured there was a decent chance Clint was home (and if he wasn’t, he was probably at Steve’s.  Bucky really wanted to find out what was happening there). He walked up the 2 flights of stairs to Clint’s apartment and knocked on his door.  Luck was on Bucky’s side, as moments later Clint’s door cracked open. “Yes?” Clint said.

 

“Hey, buddy.  Can I come in?” Bucky asked.

 

“Hmmm.  Alright, I guess that’s fine.”  He opened the door the rest of the way, and gestured for Bucky to come in.  Bucky walked in and took his usual seat on Clint’s couch. Clint sat across from him in a large arm chair.  Bucky opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Clint jumped in.

 

“Look, we’ve been friends for so long I can’t even remember exactly how old we were when we met without thinking about it really hard.  So I know you probably want to apologize for Friday or some shit, and I’d been lying if I said I wasn’t kinda upset, but I don’t think you need to say you’re sorry.  God knows I’ve done my own share of stupid, selfish shit. I overreacted, you should have been a little more considerate, whatever. It’s fine. We’ve gone through worse, and I’m sure we’ll go through worse again in the future.”

 

Bucky paused momentarily.  He really hadn’t expected anything different from Clint, but he still felt bad.  “Clint, I hear what you’re saying, I do, but I really am sorry. I need to get better at communicating and thinking about other people.  You are my best friend, and I love you, man. Sometimes I just forget how much you care about me in return. I’ll try to be better.”

 

“Man, the day you stop being a bit of a dumbass is the day hell freezes over in a handbasket,” and only Clint could call him a dumbass and have it sound more like a term of endearment than anything else. “We’re cool.  Now, what’s going on with your Stevie-bear? That guy could not be more smitten with you, could he?”

 

Bucky blushed, and couldn’t stop the stupid grin that spread over his face.  “That’s the other reason I wanted to come over. I finally talked to him, and I think everything, or almost everything is out in the open now.  I wanted to thank you for at least trying to talk some sense into me. Things with Steve are going really well.”

 

Clint smirked, “So, wedding bells in the future then?”

 

Bucky chucked a couch cushion across the roof at his friend. “Shut up,” he retorted.  This was how it should be between them, he thought. A light veneer of teasing and shit-talking over a deep and lasting friendship.  Yeah, Bucky got lucky with Steve alright. But he was pretty lucky to have Clint too.

 

“It’s a bit soon for that talk, don’t you think?” Bucky continued.  A small part of him wished it wasn’t, but they’d only been together for about a month.  This might be a good time to deflect with some teasing of his own. “Anyway, if I DID get married would you need a plus one? Or a plus two?  What’s the deal with you, Sam, and Natasha anyway?”

The got a rare blush to rise on Clint’s cheeks, but he rallied valiantly.  “If you married Steve, they’d both be invited anyway, dumbass.”

 

Hmm.  Clint had a point, and was obviously trying to deflect.  Bucky figured he’d let him, for now. He was sure Clint would tell him when he was ready.  Besides, it had been a while since they had just hung out without having to have serious conversations.  Lately, it seemed Clint was always trying to talk Bucky through some minor crisis or another. It would be good for them to spend an afternoon just relaxing together.  

 

“You got anything going on right now?” Bucky asked.

 

“You’re looking at it.”

 

“Awesome, wanna play a game?”

 

“Yeah, for sure man!” Clint replied, smiling widely.  

 

As the afternoon dragged on, Bucky thought more and more that his earlier musings were true.  He was pretty damn lucky.


	5. July 2nd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter, especially the end, made me deliriously happy. If you get a fraction of that happiness from reading it, let me know. :)
> 
> As always, endless thanks to Scout924 for being the beta/cheerleader of my dreams. Without her, I probably would have given up on this after 2 chapters due to persistent bouts of self-loathing.
> 
> Talk to me on tumblr @capriciouskitten!

Around eleven in the morning Bucky suddenly came to a terrible realization.  He employed every strategy he’d learned in therapy he could remember to avoid having a full blown panic attack at work.  Steve’s birthday was in two days and he hadn’t even started to think about what he was going to get for him. As much as Bucky cared for Steve, in reality they hadn’t been together that long.  Also, he was kicking himself because he realized that he’d had prime opportunities over the weekend to try to get ideas from Steve and he’d been too focused on his own issues to even think of it.  

 

He made it through another hour of work during which he accomplished very little due to his racing thoughts, and then decided he may as well take his lunch break early.  As he’d turned the problem over in his mind repeatedly, he’d come to the conclusion that perhaps one of Steve’s roommates would be able to help Bucky think of something. He texted Clint to ask for Sam’s number.  He considered asking Natasha, since he already had her number for some reason (Bucky couldn’t recall getting her contact information, but it was saved in his phone and he would periodically receive texts from her with random links to things on the internet) but she still scared him a little.

 

Clint texted Bucky Sam’s contact information, along with a message questioning why Bucky didn’t already have it that Bucky ignored.  Normally Bucky would have just texted Sam, as like most people his age he didn’t particularly enjoy talking on the phone, but time was of the essence, so he took a deep breath and dialed the number.

 

“Bucky? Is everything okay?” Sam picked up sounding slightly concerned.

 

“What? Yeah it’s fine, how did you know it was me?” To Bucky’s knowledge he had never given Sam his number.

 

“Natasha put your number in my phone ages ago.  She said I might need it someday. She said it in a very ominous tone of voice, but I’m pretty sure she was just screwing with me.”

 

Bucky chuckled distractedly and replied, “Yeah, sounds like her.”  Add another thing to the list of reasons he was slightly afraid of Natasha.

 

“Anyway, what’s up? I don’t think you’ve ever even texted me, let alone called.  You doing alright?” Sam sounded genuinely interested. If anything, Bucky had expected Sam to ask after Steve, not to check in to see if Bucky was okay.

 

“Um, right, well, you know...” Bucky took a deep breath and rapidly tried to explain his problem, “Steve’s birthday is on Wednesday, and I know I should have already gotten something for him, but I’m a fuck up so what else is new, and I don’t know what to get him, and I’m already a head-case about the fourth to begin with, and if I fuck up on the present too, fuck I don’t know, what’s to even keep him around?  What is he doing with me?” Bucky stopped talking abruptly when he realized he had gotten completely off track and that Sam hadn’t volunteered for a therapy session. “Shit, Sam, honestly I just don’t know what to get him. I meant to leave it at that.”

 

Sam was silent just slightly longer than Bucky was comfortable with.  When he spoke, his tone was calm. “Bucky, everything is going to be fine.  I guess you haven’t noticed, but Steve thinks the sun shines out of your ass.  You’re all he ever talks about. He goes on and on about how clever he thinks you are, how kind and sweet you are, and I swear he tells me every day that he thinks he has the sexiest boyfriend on the planet.  He’s completely gone on you, Bucky. He’s not going to bail over a birthday present.”

 

Bucky remained silent for a few moments.  Steve talked about him? It shouldn’t have been that surprising, he thought.  Steve was certainly never shy about expressing his affection when they were together, and he was really close with his roommates so of course he told them how he felt.  Still, part of Bucky had been convinced that Steve was just being nice whenever he paid him a compliment.

 

Enough time had passed that Bucky realized he really needed to respond to Sam.  “Um. Sorry, I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, I know he cares, but I guess I didn’t realize how much.”  In light of this realization, Bucky was doing mental gymnastics to stop his brain from becoming convinced that this added even more pressure to the gift giving situation.  “Thank you, really. Still, I really have no idea what to get him. I’m sure he’ll say he loves whatever I get him, because it’s from me, or something corny like that,” Bucky heard Sam mutter something to the effect of “you know that’s right” and continued “But I want to get him something special.”

 

“You know, Steve and I have been friends a long time, and he’s actually pretty difficult to buy things for.  The gifts he’s liked most have been one’s that involved us doing something together. Things like concert tickets, or the three of us going on a weekend trip.  I know he misses his mom a lot and he thinks of us as his family, since his is all gone, and yes, that includes you now, too. Maybe think of something you can do together that would be a memory he can hold onto.”

 

Bucky thought that was a good starting point, although he still didn’t know what he was going to do.  “Alright, I’ll try to think of something. You’ve been a really big help Sam, thank you so much for listening to me ramble on and being so kind to me.”

 

“Of course, it was good talking to you.  And what are friends for? Will we see you at our place on Wednesday to celebrate Steve? Oh, and I guess the good old US of A too.”

 

Bucky had been thinking about that frequently over the last few days, and he felt unsure about what he wanted to do, but he was distracted by something Sam had said, so he replied, “Yeah, I’ll be there. Thanks again, Sam, I’ll talk to you soon,” and hung up.

 

He spent the rest of his lunch break turning Sam’s words over in his head.  “What are friends for?” Somehow Bucky had friends now, and he hadn’t realized it.  It felt good.

_____

 

Steve picked Bucky up promptly at seven and they headed to a nearby diner.  Steve explained that he had intended to take Bucky somewhere a little nicer, but the reviews for the food at this place were amazing and he felt they need to try it as soon as possible.

 

The table where the hostess led them was a booth, which briefly gave Bucky pause.  He typically avoided booths because there wasn’t as much flexibility in how far he sat from the table, which would sometimes dig into his round stomach.  Still, the place was pretty busy and he didn’t want to wait longer to be seated, so he decided to try to make it work. He pulled his belly in with his hand and squeezed into the booth, and Steve slid in across from him. As he released his stomach it pressed slightly into the edge of the table, but it wasn’t painful.

 

On the car ride over they had talked about their respective days, and conversation began to turn to other things. In the midst of conversation, Steve looked around the restaurant like he was checking for something, and then leaned across the table and whispered suggestively, “I’ve been thinking about taking you to dinner all day. And about taking you home after.  I missed you last night.”

 

Bucky really tried not to gape.  There was no mistaking Steve’s tone, but he couldn’t figure out why he was saying those words in that tone.  Sometimes he thought he had barely scratched the surface of what Steve was into, and he was desperately trying to catch up.  He wished he could know intuitively how to please Steve, the way Steve seemed to for him. He couldn’t think of a response, so he ended up mumbling “Me, too,” as he ducked his chin into his chest and tried not to blush too much.

 

Steve laughed good naturedly and leaned back in his seat.  “You’re adorable,” he said. “You still have no idea how sexy I think you are, but don’t worry.  I’ll keep showing you until you believe me.” At that, the server came up, and Steve ordered for both of them.  They had been discussing what they wanted to eat, and Bucky had been torn between two options. The diner served breakfast 24 hours a day, and Bucky hadn’t been able to decide if he wanted breakfast food or dinner food. Apparently, Steve decided that meant he needed both.  The server raised an eyebrow at the fact that they were ordering three meals for two people, but walked away without saying anything.

 

“Steve,” Bucky started, but Steve interrupted.  Bucky had wanted to object, but it seemed like Steve wasn’t having it.

 

“Bucky, sweetheart, I want you to have everything you want, and if it’s in my power to give it to you I will.  You wanted breakfast food and dinner food, so I got you both, baby.” He smiled tentatively at Bucky, like he was afraid maybe he had overstepped.  Bucky felt a little overwhelmed with emotion, but he didn’t like the tentative look on Steve so he rushed to reassure him. 

“Thank you,” he tried to imbue his voice with as much gratitude as possible.  “I just don’t want you to think less of me if I eat all that.”

 

At that, Steve looked like he was actively trying not to laugh.  “Oh sweetheart,” he began, “you really have no idea how I feel about you.  I honestly can imagine very few things I would find sexier than if you finished both those meals.  Do you think you could do that for me?”

 

Bucky wasn’t sure if he’d be able to or not, but with the hopeful way Steve was looking at him he knew he was going to try.

 

____

  
  


Forty-five minutes later, all three plates were cleared, and Steve hadn’t touched anything that wasn’t on his own.  The server cleared the plates, and Bucky ignored what he might have perceived as a judgemental look because Steve was beaming at him like he thought Bucky was the most amazing thing he’d ever seen.  His stomach was digging more firmly now into the table, and he was squirming nearly constantly, partially trying to get comfortable, and partially out of pleased embarrassment. He ducked his head to avoid Steve’s gaze, and found himself instead gazing longingly at the dessert menu.

 

Steve noticed.  Of course he noticed, and how could he not, when apparently his heart’s desire was to see Bucky eat a staggering amount of food.  Bucky wanted some clarification on the situation, but at this point his discomfort was combining with the heady way Steve was looking at him to produce a confusing level of arousal.  He tried to hide the way he had looked at the menu, but it was too late. 

 

“Apple pie, I think, right sweetheart?  It is that time of year after all,” Steve said, sounding truly joyful.  All Bucky could do was nod, because as full as he was pie sounded delicious, and making sure Steve kept looking at him like nothing else mattered was quickly becoming his top priority.  The server came by and Steve ordered the pie, Bucky watching wide eyes as Steve asked for both ice cream and whipped cream on top. Bucky thought the level of judgement in the server’s eyes had probably increased, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Steve long enough to check.  He was drowning in the combination of affection and fullness. He knew it was only going to increase when the pie came, anticipation ratcheting his arousal to an unprecedented level. He kind of wished he had a better understanding of what was happening, but he was too distracted and focused on Steve to worry about it.  Vaguely he realized he hadn’t spoken in quite some time, but verbalizing anything seemed like a waste of energy.

 

When the pie arrived, Bucky made to reach for it, but Steve was too quick.  Steve loaded a fork with a carefully balanced bite of pie and a bit of ice cream and held it to Bucky’s lips.  Bucky’s blush reached a new level of red as he realized anyone in the diner could see Steve feeding him, but he obediently parted his lips and took the pie into his mouth.  Steve started to praise him quietly, but Bucky wasn’t registering the words. As they worked their way through the pie, their surroundings faded and seemed inconsequential. All that mattered was Bucky and Steve.  Bucky could feel the table dig into his stomach more and more painfully, but it only served to stoke his arousal, an undeniable reminder of how full he was. 

 

Steve always tipped generously when they ate out, a byproduct of being a server himself.  However, this must have been the largest tip he’d ever left, Bucky thought, as he threw down five 20 dollar bills and rushed Bucky out the door as soon as the pie was gone.  He obviously desperately wanted to get Bucky home.

 

___

 

When they pulled out of the diner parking lot Bucky found himself feeling immensely grateful his apartment was only ten minutes away.  He couldn’t wait to get home and see what Steve had planned for him. Going by the wicked gaze he kept shooting to Bucky, he was in for something special.  Bucky found himself adjusting constantly, trying to get comfortable with his overfull belly. He furtively pressed a hand to it, trying to be subtle as he started to rub it.

 

Steve definitely noticed.  He swore loudly, and his glances over at Bucky became more and more frequent.  The next thing Bucky knew, they were parked behind some trees on a random dirt road and Steve was unbuckling his seat belt.  It couldn’t have been more than five minutes since they left the restaurant.

 

“You-” Steve breathed, “-you can’t possibly know what you do to me.  Fuck, Bucky, it should honestly be a crime,” he continued as he crawled over to kneel in the foot well at Bucky’s feet.  “I was going to wreck the car, I swear.” He slammed his lips to Bucky’s. The kiss lacked finesse of any kind, desperate and hot.  Steve moved his lips over Bucky’s open-mouthed and Bucky responded in kind. Steve’s hands were pressing all over his stomach, firm yet gentle, soothing the ache caused by too much food.

 

Steve reached to Bucky’s right side to recline the passenger seat without releasing Bucky’s lips.  The seat fell back, and Steve climbed up to straddle Bucky’s lap. Bucky’s full belly was pressed into Steve’s nearly concave stomach and the contrast took Bucky’s breath away even more than Steve’s desperate kisses.  

 

“I need us to get off, like right now baby,” Steve broke the kiss to say, “Please, can I?”

 

Bucky didn’t know what other direction this could have been going, but he humored Steve, replying, “Yes, please, Sir.”

 

Steve’s breath caught in his throat.  He seemed to lose himself for a moment, but regained composure quickly.  “Yes, so good baby, shit. This is going to be over in like 60 seconds. You are too hot, love, you’re going to kill me I swear.”

 

Steve captured Bucky’s lips again, kissing him thoroughly as he undid both of their pants and pulled their cocks out.  He pushed Bucky’s shirt up above his stomach and broke the kiss to stare reverently for a moment. Nobody had ever looked at Bucky like that before, and he was fairly certain no one else ever would.  Steve looked like he wanted to devour him. Steve wrapped a long-fingered hand around both of their cocks and set a brutal pace.

 

As Steve resumed the kiss, he brought his other hand to Bucky’s stomach and rubbed at it.  “You’re mine,” he whispered against Bucky’s lips, not giving Bucky a chance to respond as he continued to devour his mouth. “I’m going to come,” he said, and he stiffened even as Bucky responded “Yes, please.” Bucky could feel  Steve spilling over both of them, and that was enough to push him over the edge as well, with a loud groan.

 

Orgasm seemed to have brought Steve back to his senses somewhat as he rushed to put them to rights and get back in the driver seat.  He hadn’t even turned the car off in his haste. He chuckled to himself, and then turned to Bucky. “This is going to sound crazy, but I’ve never gotten off in a car before.  It always seemed like something only horny, desperate teenagers did. I guess that’s what you turn me into,” he said with a smirk.

 

Steve resumed the drive to Bucky’s apartment, twining their hands together over the center console.  Bucky didn’t think Steve meant that in a bad way, but just in case he murmured, “I’m sorry?” 

 

Steve squeezed his hand tightly as he responded, keeping his eyes on the road, “Fuck, no, sweetheart, don’t ever apologize for how much I want you.  I just... normally I have so much better self-control, but it unravels around you. I know I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you. It makes me understand those horny, desperate teenagers a little better, if I’m honest.  Every time I think you couldn’t get more perfect you somehow find a way to do so. Everything about you is like a fantasy come to life for me, and not just the sexual one’s.” As Steve was speaking, they pulled into Bucky’s apartment complex and he turned off the car.  He turned to Bucky, and Bucky was staring at him disbelievingly. He wasn’t used to anyone speaking to him so sweetly after they’d already gotten off, and even though he knew Steve was different it still sometimes surprised him.

 

Steve reached over and touched Bucky’s cheek gently.  “I love you, Bucky,” he said as he gazed longingly into Bucky’s eyes.  Bucky’s heart stuttered and then started again. He wasn’t surprised to hear it, because every touch and word and action from Steve seemed to imply those words, but somehow it was still unexpected as they sat in Steve’s car, covered in their own drying spunk, Bucky’s distended belly barely covered by his shirt.

 

“I love you too, Steve.  So much,” Bucky breathed.  He felt a sense of relief having said it.  He’d been trying not to say the words in the throes of passion, half convinced Steve could never feel the same way and half convinced the words didn’t need to be said.  He leaned over to kiss Steve gently. As he pulled back, he whispered “I’m yours.”

 

Steve smiled brilliantly and replied, “You are mine, sweetheart,” and leaned in for another kiss, “And I am yours.”

 

Later that night, after they had awkwardly moved into Bucky’s apartment while trying to hide their debauched state and showered thoroughly,  Bucky fell asleep with his headphones in to block out the noise and Steve pulled close to his chest. Just before he drifted off, he had the distinct feeling that regardless of the issues he’d no doubt be working on the rest of his life, things were going to be alright.  Maybe even better than alright. And maybe, if the universe continued to be on his side as it seemed to be, Steve would be by his side through it all.


End file.
